Yesterday I went to my psychiatric and explained this weeks events. Well got more medications ;-( He suggested that I book an appointment with my psychologist, so I did and I'm seeing him on Monday.
I've done lots of research on the internet this week. I just feel theres something more then anxiety and depression. My psychiatric doesn't want to diagnose me, he's just saying that my meds or for anxiety and depression. I need to know, so I can face the reality. I agree with him that I have chronique anxiedy disorder and depression. But I feel there's more because of my behaviour.
I've done some online testing and I came with very high boderline personality disorder, paranoid and a few more. I've read more about boderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and it's me. The thing about this diagnose was "Unstable childhood which was lack of emotional affection for me". If this is it how am going to tell my family I don't want my mother to feel it was her fault. Cause harm to self, I'm not a cutter but I pick at my body scars. I won't say where cause I'm embarassed about it, but I do need to tell my psychologist. Suicide thought, hep that's me. When things are not going well I think the world would be without me. This week I was thinking my man could have a more fit lover in his life, then me. Rapidily shifting mood, oh yeah. Most of the time my days are sad but an hour before my man gets home I go frantic start cleaning, preaparing supper gets a smile on face. I feel bad for him to go work with mentally challenge people and then he comes home to me. Chronic feeling of emptiness. I feel definetely empty all the time,despair. I want so bad to returned to work. For me returned to work is equal to I am cured.
I have unstable interpersonal relationship. I have high standard for my friends. If I do something nice to them I want to same to returned.
Today I woke up refresh. My body is not slanght of tired. Yesterday I did admited to my sister I'm having a relapse. However I wasn't able to give all detail, she asked what was BPD and I said Crazy in the Head.
I'm glad that I blog today. I will bring this to my psychologist. Maybe with this I will be able to explained more. I tend to leave out emabarassing situation. Maybe my next blog I will try to explained more.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Happy Within.....NOT!!!!!
I've done my group therapy on anxiety, which was a ten weeks program. On the last day they talked about relapse; how to avoid it. Hello replase big time!!!! I was happy from April until May a whole month. The depression is full bloom now, it crept up slowly. I was blamed it on PMS, but nope that wasn't it. I don't know what to think about it. While I was happy me and my big mouth said I would be ready to back to work in August, they took it real good and decided it would be June 15th. Thank God that my new psychologist told them that June 15 wasn't do able for me. Now they are going to arrange an occupitional therapist for a ten week program. This person is supposed to help me with my daily routine.
I just feel a like a big failure. Every time something good happens, the depression is right there to pull me back to misery. It's a total misery...misery, can't say it enough.
This last Sunday, my cousin came over for a surprise visit. I loved it. Since I'm not able to keep commitement this is the best visit for me. Catch me off guard so my brain can't come up with stupid ideas. We had fun we talked and laugh. We went for a drive. Then I made them supper which after they left. Of course I had to make sure she doesn't leave with some food, spaghetti sauce. I loved to make her and her husband food. I like it when they come here to eat.
Next day I was down down down big time. I acted like a mad lady in shoppers drug mart, juste cause they wouldn't reimburse my purchase cause I didn't have my bank card. Then later on at my psychologist appoitment I just cried the whole time. We talked about my family back home and if moving back would be a consideration. Now I'm scared that after this summer vacation I wouldn't want to come back. I don't think I was made to be living in a big city. Then my disability department called me I had a big time crisis. Screaming at the poor guy cause I couldn't comprehend what he was saying. I am not ready to back to work for August 1st.
This is a failure to me again. Will I be ill with a mental illeness for the rest of my life. This is a reality that scares the crapt of me. The only I do now is wait for my man to come home from work, what a life!!!!
I just feel a like a big failure. Every time something good happens, the depression is right there to pull me back to misery. It's a total misery...misery, can't say it enough.
This last Sunday, my cousin came over for a surprise visit. I loved it. Since I'm not able to keep commitement this is the best visit for me. Catch me off guard so my brain can't come up with stupid ideas. We had fun we talked and laugh. We went for a drive. Then I made them supper which after they left. Of course I had to make sure she doesn't leave with some food, spaghetti sauce. I loved to make her and her husband food. I like it when they come here to eat.
Next day I was down down down big time. I acted like a mad lady in shoppers drug mart, juste cause they wouldn't reimburse my purchase cause I didn't have my bank card. Then later on at my psychologist appoitment I just cried the whole time. We talked about my family back home and if moving back would be a consideration. Now I'm scared that after this summer vacation I wouldn't want to come back. I don't think I was made to be living in a big city. Then my disability department called me I had a big time crisis. Screaming at the poor guy cause I couldn't comprehend what he was saying. I am not ready to back to work for August 1st.
This is a failure to me again. Will I be ill with a mental illeness for the rest of my life. This is a reality that scares the crapt of me. The only I do now is wait for my man to come home from work, what a life!!!!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
2nd part
I need to finish my story. I need to write about it, and hopefuly it will bring me peace.
A few days before my sister asked that I get my suitcase ready just in case. After the phone called to say my Dad had passed away, I hit the suitcase. I do not know why but I had previously packed my suitcase for my Christmas trip. I had nothing decent for a funeral. Then is was Airflight. I had called them and told them to change the departure date for today and I would called back for the returned trip. Off we went to Hamilton airport.
I went home by myself, my man didn't come. Airport. Security check I cried. Now I realize that I was having a full blown anxiety attack, I feel peace now that I can attached words to my feelings. I cryed, histerically. I couldn't get my eyes off him. About 15 minutes later I had to board the plane. At that time I went more hysterical cause I had to take my eyes of him and face this alone. In the plane the lady came over to see I was alright and the only words I could manage was "my dad died". She asked me if I wanted a drink, yes rhum and coke. Thankfully the trip was only 2 hours because she kept them coming and it was on the house.
When the plane took off it was a nice bright cloudy day. Clouds. Clouds. When I was looking out the window and saw we were going through the clouds, I cried even more. For me I believed that Heavens were in the clouds and we were going through it. It was my childhood belief but even at thirty some I couldn't stop believing that my Dad was in the clouds. It was like if the plane was destroying the Heavens by going through the clouds. I never mentioned this experience to no one. It feels good to share.
My brother picked me up at airport, and I ran to him. When we got home 2 1/2 hours later my whole family was there. My two brother and two sister, my mom, grandmother, uncles and aunts. They were all okay but I was the only one crying. They had the whole day to accept what happend but not me. I had the whole day to get home. No one conforted me. They were just having supper.
You see my family is not an emotional family, except me. I understand now that when I was a child I was so unhappy, it's because I was lacking something that I needed.
The night before Dad passed away my oldest sister called me. I asked what she's doing-nothing I'm at mom and dad. How's Dad-okay. Where is he-in bed. Who's there-uncles and aunts. Where are you-upstairs.....Okay I knew there was something round, so I asked her-no he's okay just tired. Phone called ended. Next morning they brought him to the hospital and he died.
I am so upset with her. Why Why Why she did not tell me the truth. They have cordless she could have brought the phone to him and I could have talk to him. Okay stop. Think. You know the reason, write it.
She called hoping that maybe she would have been strong enough to tell me. But because I am so far away she wanted to spare me. My family always spares me the ugly thruth, because I'm the emotional one. When I was in college, they didn't tell me that my grand father was in the hospital, I heard it through a friend. I will write another time about my grand father, and also how his death affected me. I forgive her. I understand the reason I don't agree with it,but I forgive her. Now I have to tell my family not to hide anything from me. When ever I get a phone call from them at a unusuall time, I freek out.
My Dad went to church on Sunday with my mom. We never spoke about God. Where am I going with this... Wait, okay I need to understand more about Death, where we go. Next week at Church the sermon will be on Hell and the week after Heaven and the next one I don't remember. But this is my irreational thoughts, I know they are irreational because deep down I know the thruth, he's in Heaven. I am still new with understanding God. it's a working progess. But so many religion they say weird stuff about accepting God or if not you are going to hell. I believed Dad's is in Heaven and I will see him again. Also my grandfather, even when he died in my arms' the last thing I said "ok pepere, vas tanner memere" (translate to okay grandfather go tease grandmother). My grandfather was a big time teaser to me. I am so grateful to have grown up in the same house as him. He showed me affection by teasing, and that's why I'm a teaser.
Just writing the last sentence I have a smile. This will be all for now.
Dad et Pepere rest in peace, cause I am in peace.
A few days before my sister asked that I get my suitcase ready just in case. After the phone called to say my Dad had passed away, I hit the suitcase. I do not know why but I had previously packed my suitcase for my Christmas trip. I had nothing decent for a funeral. Then is was Airflight. I had called them and told them to change the departure date for today and I would called back for the returned trip. Off we went to Hamilton airport.
I went home by myself, my man didn't come. Airport. Security check I cried. Now I realize that I was having a full blown anxiety attack, I feel peace now that I can attached words to my feelings. I cryed, histerically. I couldn't get my eyes off him. About 15 minutes later I had to board the plane. At that time I went more hysterical cause I had to take my eyes of him and face this alone. In the plane the lady came over to see I was alright and the only words I could manage was "my dad died". She asked me if I wanted a drink, yes rhum and coke. Thankfully the trip was only 2 hours because she kept them coming and it was on the house.
When the plane took off it was a nice bright cloudy day. Clouds. Clouds. When I was looking out the window and saw we were going through the clouds, I cried even more. For me I believed that Heavens were in the clouds and we were going through it. It was my childhood belief but even at thirty some I couldn't stop believing that my Dad was in the clouds. It was like if the plane was destroying the Heavens by going through the clouds. I never mentioned this experience to no one. It feels good to share.
My brother picked me up at airport, and I ran to him. When we got home 2 1/2 hours later my whole family was there. My two brother and two sister, my mom, grandmother, uncles and aunts. They were all okay but I was the only one crying. They had the whole day to accept what happend but not me. I had the whole day to get home. No one conforted me. They were just having supper.
You see my family is not an emotional family, except me. I understand now that when I was a child I was so unhappy, it's because I was lacking something that I needed.
The night before Dad passed away my oldest sister called me. I asked what she's doing-nothing I'm at mom and dad. How's Dad-okay. Where is he-in bed. Who's there-uncles and aunts. Where are you-upstairs.....Okay I knew there was something round, so I asked her-no he's okay just tired. Phone called ended. Next morning they brought him to the hospital and he died.
I am so upset with her. Why Why Why she did not tell me the truth. They have cordless she could have brought the phone to him and I could have talk to him. Okay stop. Think. You know the reason, write it.
She called hoping that maybe she would have been strong enough to tell me. But because I am so far away she wanted to spare me. My family always spares me the ugly thruth, because I'm the emotional one. When I was in college, they didn't tell me that my grand father was in the hospital, I heard it through a friend. I will write another time about my grand father, and also how his death affected me. I forgive her. I understand the reason I don't agree with it,but I forgive her. Now I have to tell my family not to hide anything from me. When ever I get a phone call from them at a unusuall time, I freek out.
My Dad went to church on Sunday with my mom. We never spoke about God. Where am I going with this... Wait, okay I need to understand more about Death, where we go. Next week at Church the sermon will be on Hell and the week after Heaven and the next one I don't remember. But this is my irreational thoughts, I know they are irreational because deep down I know the thruth, he's in Heaven. I am still new with understanding God. it's a working progess. But so many religion they say weird stuff about accepting God or if not you are going to hell. I believed Dad's is in Heaven and I will see him again. Also my grandfather, even when he died in my arms' the last thing I said "ok pepere, vas tanner memere" (translate to okay grandfather go tease grandmother). My grandfather was a big time teaser to me. I am so grateful to have grown up in the same house as him. He showed me affection by teasing, and that's why I'm a teaser.
Just writing the last sentence I have a smile. This will be all for now.
Dad et Pepere rest in peace, cause I am in peace.
May 9th
Today I went to church, the series for this month is on Death.
Part of my depression and anxiety is dealing with death, grieving.
I am happy that George will talked about this subject; I need to understand more. First I would like to share my experience with my fathers death. I presently live 1600Km away from my home town. My father was diagnosed with a rare cancer in April 2007 and passed away the December 9Th in the same year. The last time I sawed him was in September of that year. My Dad was a quiet man. I remember as a teenager I would tell my friends advanced if he doesn't talked he's not mad just quiet. When Dad got sick he changed he was talking a lot. My father used to say to his friends when they call "ouch you gone" translate to how are you. When I would called my mom and he would answer the conversation lasted 2 minutes, and then he would pass the phone to my mom. When he got sick he would talked for ever; to the point I did not know what to say. One time he said to me "ouch you gone?". I almost fell on the floor.
I remember when I said good bye cause I was coming back from our vacation home. He was going to bed, and we were upstairs. He gave me a hug and I said for the first time and the last "t'aime Dad". We left the next morning at 4am. I was leaving my father for ever.
When I got home I was planning to go back to see him in November. I couldn't accept that was the last time that I might see him. Then I called him at the hospital and my mom said that he said "it would be nice if could all be together at Christmas". So it was decided I would come home at Christmas instead of November.
On December 9Th I was getting ready to go to work. That morning every thing was going well. I had problems deciding what to wear, my hear was awful. I would usually leave home at 7:10am for work but that morning I was late leaving. Then at 7:20am I got the call, that he'd passed away an hour before.
This is it for this post, my fingers can't type the rest. I will try again tomorrow.
Part of my depression and anxiety is dealing with death, grieving.
I am happy that George will talked about this subject; I need to understand more. First I would like to share my experience with my fathers death. I presently live 1600Km away from my home town. My father was diagnosed with a rare cancer in April 2007 and passed away the December 9Th in the same year. The last time I sawed him was in September of that year. My Dad was a quiet man. I remember as a teenager I would tell my friends advanced if he doesn't talked he's not mad just quiet. When Dad got sick he changed he was talking a lot. My father used to say to his friends when they call "ouch you gone" translate to how are you. When I would called my mom and he would answer the conversation lasted 2 minutes, and then he would pass the phone to my mom. When he got sick he would talked for ever; to the point I did not know what to say. One time he said to me "ouch you gone?". I almost fell on the floor.
I remember when I said good bye cause I was coming back from our vacation home. He was going to bed, and we were upstairs. He gave me a hug and I said for the first time and the last "t'aime Dad". We left the next morning at 4am. I was leaving my father for ever.
When I got home I was planning to go back to see him in November. I couldn't accept that was the last time that I might see him. Then I called him at the hospital and my mom said that he said "it would be nice if could all be together at Christmas". So it was decided I would come home at Christmas instead of November.
On December 9Th I was getting ready to go to work. That morning every thing was going well. I had problems deciding what to wear, my hear was awful. I would usually leave home at 7:10am for work but that morning I was late leaving. Then at 7:20am I got the call, that he'd passed away an hour before.
This is it for this post, my fingers can't type the rest. I will try again tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
April 27th
Today;y I received a call from my rehad counselor. She suggested that I return to work in June instead of August. She said this was also suggested by my psychologist. my return date is August 1st, which he said that he would support me. I don't understand why he would support her date. Anyhow she did said it's a suggestion, I told her that I would ignore her suggestion and stick to August 1st. I can't imagine I would be ready for June, there's no way.
I still struggling to do everything I want to do in day. I want to bad to be able to relaxed, and do my meditation but I just can't. She said she will suggest that I work with an another counselor in order to worked thought my schedule. I don't know why I can't stick to a s cheduled. I wish I would express from my felling whten I asked a question instead of saying all is good. At the moment things could be good but in reality it's not.
I would love to see my days the followings ways: wake-up,shower, get dressed, breakfast with tea. Then relaxation, chores, lunch, relaxation, reading, get supper ready, supper and supper cleaned-up. Afterwards, relaxation, activity, get ready for bed, washed my face, relaxation bedtime.
I would love to quick smoking for goods, exercise, meditation and eat healthy.
Why it sounds so easy but it's so hard to do?????
I still struggling to do everything I want to do in day. I want to bad to be able to relaxed, and do my meditation but I just can't. She said she will suggest that I work with an another counselor in order to worked thought my schedule. I don't know why I can't stick to a s cheduled. I wish I would express from my felling whten I asked a question instead of saying all is good. At the moment things could be good but in reality it's not.
I would love to see my days the followings ways: wake-up,shower, get dressed, breakfast with tea. Then relaxation, chores, lunch, relaxation, reading, get supper ready, supper and supper cleaned-up. Afterwards, relaxation, activity, get ready for bed, washed my face, relaxation bedtime.
I would love to quick smoking for goods, exercise, meditation and eat healthy.
Why it sounds so easy but it's so hard to do?????
Sunday, April 25, 2010
April 25th
It's been a while I haven't blog. My mother was her for 2 weeks and had an amazing time.
Today I want to blog on my continuous journey of good health. When mom was here I didn't smoke, I thought I would be a non smoker when she left. Two days later I went to my psychiatric and left the office crying and went to get smokes. The lesson learned I am not able to accept critic.
Friday, I started to read a book Quantum Wellness. I am going to put in practice. I read that you have to change things little by little. I wanted to change too much at the same time. Yesterday I was reading another book and I realized I was doing too much.
My goal for this week is: stop smoking and replacing this bad habit with a new one.
This week I have two commitments; group therapy for anxiety and bible study on Wednesday night.
Daily I will read Quantum Wellness and the Character builder. I will take notes.
I will get into the shower first thing after that I wake up.
Eliminate coffee and replaced it with tea.
Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and supper.
Drink 8 glass water.
Drink herbal tea.
Yoga and jogging. Alernative days.
Gardening.
Dear God. Please give me strenght this week to achieved my goals and keeping positive attitude that I can achieved anything that I want to achieved. God please give me the courage to accept steps back that they are not failure but just to let it go and start fresh the next day, next hour or the next time. God I pray in your name and the holy spirit and Jesus Christ our savor.
Amen
Today I want to blog on my continuous journey of good health. When mom was here I didn't smoke, I thought I would be a non smoker when she left. Two days later I went to my psychiatric and left the office crying and went to get smokes. The lesson learned I am not able to accept critic.
Friday, I started to read a book Quantum Wellness. I am going to put in practice. I read that you have to change things little by little. I wanted to change too much at the same time. Yesterday I was reading another book and I realized I was doing too much.
My goal for this week is: stop smoking and replacing this bad habit with a new one.
This week I have two commitments; group therapy for anxiety and bible study on Wednesday night.
Daily I will read Quantum Wellness and the Character builder. I will take notes.
I will get into the shower first thing after that I wake up.
Eliminate coffee and replaced it with tea.
Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and supper.
Drink 8 glass water.
Drink herbal tea.
Yoga and jogging. Alernative days.
Gardening.
Dear God. Please give me strenght this week to achieved my goals and keeping positive attitude that I can achieved anything that I want to achieved. God please give me the courage to accept steps back that they are not failure but just to let it go and start fresh the next day, next hour or the next time. God I pray in your name and the holy spirit and Jesus Christ our savor.
Amen
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Thrusday Aapril 8th
today is day 2 as a non smoker. It's not that bad. I just have to remind myself to drink cold water. Mom made chocolate chip cookies and I had 5, well that's a bit too much. We went for two walks yesterday that was nice. My taste buds as already change. I don't like coffee so much now. That's okay.
Today I meeting with my psychologist. I am excited to get thing started. I wonder what he will ask. I would like to be able to have more motivation on doing exercise. I noticed I can't stand watching TV with no purpose. That' good! I would like to be able to do more some the yoga and breathing exercises. This is what I will try today.
I have to be honest, I don't yet feel comfortable with mom here. I feel she's looking at me a lot. Hopefully it will be better today. I can understand her reaction but it doesn't make me comfortable. I guess it will be a good preparation for when I returned home.
Love you. Hang in ;there I am so proud of you. Hello non smoker.\
Today I meeting with my psychologist. I am excited to get thing started. I wonder what he will ask. I would like to be able to have more motivation on doing exercise. I noticed I can't stand watching TV with no purpose. That' good! I would like to be able to do more some the yoga and breathing exercises. This is what I will try today.
I have to be honest, I don't yet feel comfortable with mom here. I feel she's looking at me a lot. Hopefully it will be better today. I can understand her reaction but it doesn't make me comfortable. I guess it will be a good preparation for when I returned home.
Love you. Hang in ;there I am so proud of you. Hello non smoker.\
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