2nd part

I need to finish my story. I need to write about it, and hopefuly it will bring me peace.

A few days before my sister asked that I get my suitcase ready just in case. After the phone called to say my Dad had passed away, I hit the suitcase. I do not know why but I had previously packed my suitcase for my Christmas trip. I had nothing decent for a funeral. Then is was Airflight. I had called them and told them to change the departure date for today and I would called back for the returned trip. Off we went to Hamilton airport.

I went home by myself, my man didn't come. Airport. Security check I cried. Now I realize that I was having a full blown anxiety attack, I feel peace now that I can attached words to my feelings. I cryed, histerically. I couldn't get my eyes off him. About 15 minutes later I had to board the plane. At that time I went more hysterical cause I had to take my eyes of him and face this alone. In the plane the lady came over to see I was alright and the only words I could manage was "my dad died". She asked me if I wanted a drink, yes rhum and coke. Thankfully the trip was only 2 hours because she kept them coming and it was on the house.

When the plane took off it was a nice bright cloudy day. Clouds. Clouds. When I was looking out the window and saw we were going through the clouds, I cried even more. For me I believed that Heavens were in the clouds and we were going through it. It was my childhood belief but even at thirty some I couldn't stop believing that my Dad was in the clouds. It was like if the plane was destroying the Heavens by going through the clouds. I never mentioned this experience to no one. It feels good to share.

My brother picked me up at airport, and I ran to him. When we got home 2 1/2 hours later my whole family was there. My two brother and two sister, my mom, grandmother, uncles and aunts. They were all okay but I was the only one crying. They had the whole day to accept what happend but not me. I had the whole day to get home. No one conforted me. They were just having supper.

You see my family is not an emotional family, except me. I understand now that when I was a child I was so unhappy, it's because I was lacking something that I needed.

The night before Dad passed away my oldest sister called me. I asked what she's doing-nothing I'm at mom and dad. How's Dad-okay. Where is he-in bed. Who's there-uncles and aunts. Where are you-upstairs.....Okay I knew there was something round, so I asked her-no he's okay just tired. Phone called ended. Next morning they brought him to the hospital and he died.

I am so upset with her. Why Why Why she did not tell me the truth. They have cordless she could have brought the phone to him and I could have talk to him. Okay stop. Think. You know the reason, write it.

She called hoping that maybe she would have been strong enough to tell me. But because I am so far away she wanted to spare me. My family always spares me the ugly thruth, because I'm the emotional one. When I was in college, they didn't tell me that my grand father was in the hospital, I heard it through a friend. I will write another time about my grand father, and also how his death affected me. I forgive her. I understand the reason I don't agree with it,but I forgive her. Now I have to tell my family not to hide anything from me. When ever I get a phone call from them at a unusuall time, I freek out.

My Dad went to church on Sunday with my mom. We never spoke about God. Where am I going with this... Wait, okay I need to understand more about Death, where we go. Next week at Church the sermon will be on Hell and the week after Heaven and the next one I don't remember. But this is my irreational thoughts, I know they are irreational because deep down I know the thruth, he's in Heaven. I am still new with understanding God. it's a working progess. But so many religion they say weird stuff about accepting God or if not you are going to hell. I believed Dad's is in Heaven and I will see him again. Also my grandfather, even when he died in my arms' the last thing I said "ok pepere, vas tanner memere" (translate to okay grandfather go tease grandmother). My grandfather was a big time teaser to me. I am so grateful to have grown up in the same house as him. He showed me affection by teasing, and that's why I'm a teaser.

Just writing the last sentence I have a smile. This will be all for now.

Dad et Pepere rest in peace, cause I am in peace.

May 9th

Today I went to church, the series for this month is on Death.

Part of my depression and anxiety is dealing with death, grieving.

I am happy that George will talked about this subject; I need to understand more. First I would like to share my experience with my fathers death. I presently live 1600Km away from my home town. My father was diagnosed with a rare cancer in April 2007 and passed away the December 9Th in the same year. The last time I sawed him was in September of that year. My Dad was a quiet man. I remember as a teenager I would tell my friends advanced if he doesn't talked he's not mad just quiet. When Dad got sick he changed he was talking a lot. My father used to say to his friends when they call "ouch you gone" translate to how are you. When I would called my mom and he would answer the conversation lasted 2 minutes, and then he would pass the phone to my mom. When he got sick he would talked for ever; to the point I did not know what to say. One time he said to me "ouch you gone?". I almost fell on the floor.

I remember when I said good bye cause I was coming back from our vacation home. He was going to bed, and we were upstairs. He gave me a hug and I said for the first time and the last "t'aime Dad". We left the next morning at 4am. I was leaving my father for ever.

When I got home I was planning to go back to see him in November. I couldn't accept that was the last time that I might see him. Then I called him at the hospital and my mom said that he said "it would be nice if could all be together at Christmas". So it was decided I would come home at Christmas instead of November.

On December 9Th I was getting ready to go to work. That morning every thing was going well. I had problems deciding what to wear, my hear was awful. I would usually leave home at 7:10am for work but that morning I was late leaving. Then at 7:20am I got the call, that he'd passed away an hour before.

This is it for this post, my fingers can't type the rest. I will try again tomorrow.