Yesterday I went to my psychiatric and explained this weeks events. Well got more medications ;-( He suggested that I book an appointment with my psychologist, so I did and I'm seeing him on Monday.
I've done lots of research on the internet this week. I just feel theres something more then anxiety and depression. My psychiatric doesn't want to diagnose me, he's just saying that my meds or for anxiety and depression. I need to know, so I can face the reality. I agree with him that I have chronique anxiedy disorder and depression. But I feel there's more because of my behaviour.
I've done some online testing and I came with very high boderline personality disorder, paranoid and a few more. I've read more about boderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and it's me. The thing about this diagnose was "Unstable childhood which was lack of emotional affection for me". If this is it how am going to tell my family I don't want my mother to feel it was her fault. Cause harm to self, I'm not a cutter but I pick at my body scars. I won't say where cause I'm embarassed about it, but I do need to tell my psychologist. Suicide thought, hep that's me. When things are not going well I think the world would be without me. This week I was thinking my man could have a more fit lover in his life, then me. Rapidily shifting mood, oh yeah. Most of the time my days are sad but an hour before my man gets home I go frantic start cleaning, preaparing supper gets a smile on face. I feel bad for him to go work with mentally challenge people and then he comes home to me. Chronic feeling of emptiness. I feel definetely empty all the time,despair. I want so bad to returned to work. For me returned to work is equal to I am cured.
I have unstable interpersonal relationship. I have high standard for my friends. If I do something nice to them I want to same to returned.
Today I woke up refresh. My body is not slanght of tired. Yesterday I did admited to my sister I'm having a relapse. However I wasn't able to give all detail, she asked what was BPD and I said Crazy in the Head.
I'm glad that I blog today. I will bring this to my psychologist. Maybe with this I will be able to explained more. I tend to leave out emabarassing situation. Maybe my next blog I will try to explained more.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Happy Within.....NOT!!!!!
I've done my group therapy on anxiety, which was a ten weeks program. On the last day they talked about relapse; how to avoid it. Hello replase big time!!!! I was happy from April until May a whole month. The depression is full bloom now, it crept up slowly. I was blamed it on PMS, but nope that wasn't it. I don't know what to think about it. While I was happy me and my big mouth said I would be ready to back to work in August, they took it real good and decided it would be June 15th. Thank God that my new psychologist told them that June 15 wasn't do able for me. Now they are going to arrange an occupitional therapist for a ten week program. This person is supposed to help me with my daily routine.
I just feel a like a big failure. Every time something good happens, the depression is right there to pull me back to misery. It's a total misery...misery, can't say it enough.
This last Sunday, my cousin came over for a surprise visit. I loved it. Since I'm not able to keep commitement this is the best visit for me. Catch me off guard so my brain can't come up with stupid ideas. We had fun we talked and laugh. We went for a drive. Then I made them supper which after they left. Of course I had to make sure she doesn't leave with some food, spaghetti sauce. I loved to make her and her husband food. I like it when they come here to eat.
Next day I was down down down big time. I acted like a mad lady in shoppers drug mart, juste cause they wouldn't reimburse my purchase cause I didn't have my bank card. Then later on at my psychologist appoitment I just cried the whole time. We talked about my family back home and if moving back would be a consideration. Now I'm scared that after this summer vacation I wouldn't want to come back. I don't think I was made to be living in a big city. Then my disability department called me I had a big time crisis. Screaming at the poor guy cause I couldn't comprehend what he was saying. I am not ready to back to work for August 1st.
This is a failure to me again. Will I be ill with a mental illeness for the rest of my life. This is a reality that scares the crapt of me. The only I do now is wait for my man to come home from work, what a life!!!!
I just feel a like a big failure. Every time something good happens, the depression is right there to pull me back to misery. It's a total misery...misery, can't say it enough.
This last Sunday, my cousin came over for a surprise visit. I loved it. Since I'm not able to keep commitement this is the best visit for me. Catch me off guard so my brain can't come up with stupid ideas. We had fun we talked and laugh. We went for a drive. Then I made them supper which after they left. Of course I had to make sure she doesn't leave with some food, spaghetti sauce. I loved to make her and her husband food. I like it when they come here to eat.
Next day I was down down down big time. I acted like a mad lady in shoppers drug mart, juste cause they wouldn't reimburse my purchase cause I didn't have my bank card. Then later on at my psychologist appoitment I just cried the whole time. We talked about my family back home and if moving back would be a consideration. Now I'm scared that after this summer vacation I wouldn't want to come back. I don't think I was made to be living in a big city. Then my disability department called me I had a big time crisis. Screaming at the poor guy cause I couldn't comprehend what he was saying. I am not ready to back to work for August 1st.
This is a failure to me again. Will I be ill with a mental illeness for the rest of my life. This is a reality that scares the crapt of me. The only I do now is wait for my man to come home from work, what a life!!!!
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