April 27th

Today;y I received a call from my rehad counselor. She suggested that I return to work in June instead of August. She said this was also suggested by my psychologist. my return date is August 1st, which he said that he would support me. I don't understand why he would support her date. Anyhow she did said it's a suggestion, I told her that I would ignore her suggestion and stick to August 1st. I can't imagine I would be ready for June, there's no way.

I still struggling to do everything I want to do in day. I want to bad to be able to relaxed, and do my meditation but I just can't. She said she will suggest that I work with an another counselor in order to worked thought my schedule. I don't know why I can't stick to a s cheduled. I wish I would express from my felling whten I asked a question instead of saying all is good. At the moment things could be good but in reality it's not.

I would love to see my days the followings ways: wake-up,shower, get dressed, breakfast with tea. Then relaxation, chores, lunch, relaxation, reading, get supper ready, supper and supper cleaned-up. Afterwards, relaxation, activity, get ready for bed, washed my face, relaxation bedtime.

I would love to quick smoking for goods, exercise, meditation and eat healthy.

Why it sounds so easy but it's so hard to do?????

April 25th

It's been a while I haven't blog. My mother was her for 2 weeks and had an amazing time.

Today I want to blog on my continuous journey of good health. When mom was here I didn't smoke, I thought I would be a non smoker when she left. Two days later I went to my psychiatric and left the office crying and went to get smokes. The lesson learned I am not able to accept critic.

Friday, I started to read a book Quantum Wellness. I am going to put in practice. I read that you have to change things little by little. I wanted to change too much at the same time. Yesterday I was reading another book and I realized I was doing too much.

My goal for this week is: stop smoking and replacing this bad habit with a new one.
This week I have two commitments; group therapy for anxiety and bible study on Wednesday night.

Daily I will read Quantum Wellness and the Character builder. I will take notes.
I will get into the shower first thing after that I wake up.
Eliminate coffee and replaced it with tea.
Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and supper.
Drink 8 glass water.
Drink herbal tea.
Yoga and jogging. Alernative days.
Gardening.

Dear God. Please give me strenght this week to achieved my goals and keeping positive attitude that I can achieved anything that I want to achieved. God please give me the courage to accept steps back that they are not failure but just to let it go and start fresh the next day, next hour or the next time. God I pray in your name and the holy spirit and Jesus Christ our savor.
Amen

Thrusday Aapril 8th

today is day 2 as a non smoker. It's not that bad. I just have to remind myself to drink cold water. Mom made chocolate chip cookies and I had 5, well that's a bit too much. We went for two walks yesterday that was nice. My taste buds as already change. I don't like coffee so much now. That's okay.
Today I meeting with my psychologist. I am excited to get thing started. I wonder what he will ask. I would like to be able to have more motivation on doing exercise. I noticed I can't stand watching TV with no purpose. That' good! I would like to be able to do more some the yoga and breathing exercises. This is what I will try today.

I have to be honest, I don't yet feel comfortable with mom here. I feel she's looking at me a lot. Hopefully it will be better today. I can understand her reaction but it doesn't make me comfortable. I guess it will be a good preparation for when I returned home.

Love you. Hang in ;there I am so proud of you. Hello non smoker.\

april 6 2009

Today mom is arriving. I have made a promise to myself that today I am quitting smoking. I just had my last one. I think that with mom here it will keep me occupy. I do not like to smoke. I started to smoke about 10 years ago. Now I understand the reason I started. I was depressed and this is the only thing that calmed my nerves. I wasn't pressured to smoke I just tried it and instantly I liked the feeling of calms. At the time I did not know the reason why I needed to be calmed. I didn't realized that I was depressed. I've been in a depression for a very long time, without knowing it.
Now I am happy that I am a non smoker. I can say now that I am a non smoker. Quick and hour ago. I need to remember my self the reason I started and I no longer in a Depression. I am in recovery. I need to remind my self that the craving will pass. I need to remind my self that to stop smoking won't be easy but it will not kill me. Only if I continue to smoke, that will kill me. Craving will pass. I need to drink water and it will help.
You can do it. You are worth it. If you want it. Work it.
I love you. You are brave, you are going to sussed.

Monday April 5th.

Hi,

Tomorrow my mother is arriving. I am so excited. I am very happy that she's coming. She will be able to see herself how my health as turn around. I know that they were worried. My sister told me when I started not to answer their call and didn't call as often. They were worried living fifteen hours away, it's hard to see a loved one going deeper in depression. I am so sorry for that. Now I call more often, I can keep an conversation. My mouth is so dried from talking and laughing.

Tomorrow, I am quitting smoking. With mom here it will be easy and I determine to stop. I never liked smoking. I started about 10 years ago. It's enough. Now I realized I started to calm my nerve. Now that I am happy I no longer to smoke. It's enough, tomorrow I am done.

Dear God please give me the patience to STOP smoking. God please remind me when I have a craving that it will pass but Happiness is for her. God remind me it's for my health, that smoking doesn't bring me calm but you do. God remind me that my father was able to stop smoking after 50 years. He's done it I can too. God please remind me to sing my song. "When I get older, I will get stronger and never go back" and also my mantra "I can let go".
God I pray in your name, your son Jesus and the holy spirit.
Amen.

Have a wonderful day. I love you.

Sunday April 4 2010

Hello

I am Writing from my subconscious mind. This is to help me to think of positive thoughts in my subconscious mind. You can not have a positive and a negative though at the same time. I am writing to myself.

I need to practice more to stop my mind to wonder to event that has yet happened. I need to shake it off. Remember Happy.

I am feeling better, not just better but great. I am scared that it will not last. I need; to remember how it is to be happy. Depression: It's a dark room with a black cloud over over you. You are living, but you know it's dark but you don't know how to get out of the room. You hope to see the light. Then one day, for me a year and half, I saw the light. Sometimes I would see a glimpse.

March 13Th, I heard from God. On this day I was doubting God. I had read lots of book and the bible. I've going to Church. I was very angry and doubtful. That night I went to bed and started to read a novel. On the bottom of the first page I read. I heard from God. The first sentence it was how the character had sparks and contentment in her eyes. I thought "This is what a want". The second sentence it said on how her life from the fast paste of London life seem far away. That was it God words.

I've strives so much to achieved at work, that I lost my self. I work for London Life and I've been unable to work due depression and anxiety. I was trying to fill a void. I now realized the reason for my depression, which had nothing to due with work. When I started to be unable to be functional being dysfunctional. I crash, big time.

Since the day I heard from God. His word was so comforting, I then realize what He was saying. I am able to live a joyful and peace life with out being the best at work. I need to let go of the past, and move towards to the future.

God is great.

Today on Easter day. I am grateful that I've heard from God and now I know what Happy is and fells like. I love being Happy for no reason.

I love you.

Good Morning

Today I am concentrate on relaxing. I am struggling on relaxing. I know this will help me to quite my mind. I am struggling to keep my mind relax. My minds