June 4 Thursday

Yesterday I went to my psychiatric and explained this weeks events. Well got more medications ;-( He suggested that I book an appointment with my psychologist, so I did and I'm seeing him on Monday.

I've done lots of research on the internet this week. I just feel theres something more then anxiety and depression. My psychiatric doesn't want to diagnose me, he's just saying that my meds or for anxiety and depression. I need to know, so I can face the reality. I agree with him that I have chronique anxiedy disorder and depression. But I feel there's more because of my behaviour.

I've done some online testing and I came with very high boderline personality disorder, paranoid and a few more. I've read more about boderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and it's me. The thing about this diagnose was "Unstable childhood which was lack of emotional affection for me". If this is it how am going to tell my family I don't want my mother to feel it was her fault. Cause harm to self, I'm not a cutter but I pick at my body scars. I won't say where cause I'm embarassed about it, but I do need to tell my psychologist. Suicide thought, hep that's me. When things are not going well I think the world would be without me. This week I was thinking my man could have a more fit lover in his life, then me. Rapidily shifting mood, oh yeah. Most of the time my days are sad but an hour before my man gets home I go frantic start cleaning, preaparing supper gets a smile on face. I feel bad for him to go work with mentally challenge people and then he comes home to me. Chronic feeling of emptiness. I feel definetely empty all the time,despair. I want so bad to returned to work. For me returned to work is equal to I am cured.
I have unstable interpersonal relationship. I have high standard for my friends. If I do something nice to them I want to same to returned.

Today I woke up refresh. My body is not slanght of tired. Yesterday I did admited to my sister I'm having a relapse. However I wasn't able to give all detail, she asked what was BPD and I said Crazy in the Head.

I'm glad that I blog today. I will bring this to my psychologist. Maybe with this I will be able to explained more. I tend to leave out emabarassing situation. Maybe my next blog I will try to explained more.