Happy Within.....NOT!!!!!

I've done my group therapy on anxiety, which was a ten weeks program. On the last day they talked about relapse; how to avoid it. Hello replase big time!!!! I was happy from April until May a whole month. The depression is full bloom now, it crept up slowly. I was blamed it on PMS, but nope that wasn't it. I don't know what to think about it. While I was happy me and my big mouth said I would be ready to back to work in August, they took it real good and decided it would be June 15th. Thank God that my new psychologist told them that June 15 wasn't do able for me. Now they are going to arrange an occupitional therapist for a ten week program. This person is supposed to help me with my daily routine.

I just feel a like a big failure. Every time something good happens, the depression is right there to pull me back to misery. It's a total misery...misery, can't say it enough.

This last Sunday, my cousin came over for a surprise visit. I loved it. Since I'm not able to keep commitement this is the best visit for me. Catch me off guard so my brain can't come up with stupid ideas. We had fun we talked and laugh. We went for a drive. Then I made them supper which after they left. Of course I had to make sure she doesn't leave with some food, spaghetti sauce. I loved to make her and her husband food. I like it when they come here to eat.

Next day I was down down down big time. I acted like a mad lady in shoppers drug mart, juste cause they wouldn't reimburse my purchase cause I didn't have my bank card. Then later on at my psychologist appoitment I just cried the whole time. We talked about my family back home and if moving back would be a consideration. Now I'm scared that after this summer vacation I wouldn't want to come back. I don't think I was made to be living in a big city. Then my disability department called me I had a big time crisis. Screaming at the poor guy cause I couldn't comprehend what he was saying. I am not ready to back to work for August 1st.

This is a failure to me again. Will I be ill with a mental illeness for the rest of my life. This is a reality that scares the crapt of me. The only I do now is wait for my man to come home from work, what a life!!!!