Today mom is arriving. I have made a promise to myself that today I am quitting smoking. I just had my last one. I think that with mom here it will keep me occupy. I do not like to smoke. I started to smoke about 10 years ago. Now I understand the reason I started. I was depressed and this is the only thing that calmed my nerves. I wasn't pressured to smoke I just tried it and instantly I liked the feeling of calms. At the time I did not know the reason why I needed to be calmed. I didn't realized that I was depressed. I've been in a depression for a very long time, without knowing it.
Now I am happy that I am a non smoker. I can say now that I am a non smoker. Quick and hour ago. I need to remember my self the reason I started and I no longer in a Depression. I am in recovery. I need to remind my self that the craving will pass. I need to remind my self that to stop smoking won't be easy but it will not kill me. Only if I continue to smoke, that will kill me. Craving will pass. I need to drink water and it will help.
You can do it. You are worth it. If you want it. Work it.
I love you. You are brave, you are going to sussed.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Monday April 5th.
Hi,
Tomorrow my mother is arriving. I am so excited. I am very happy that she's coming. She will be able to see herself how my health as turn around. I know that they were worried. My sister told me when I started not to answer their call and didn't call as often. They were worried living fifteen hours away, it's hard to see a loved one going deeper in depression. I am so sorry for that. Now I call more often, I can keep an conversation. My mouth is so dried from talking and laughing.
Tomorrow, I am quitting smoking. With mom here it will be easy and I determine to stop. I never liked smoking. I started about 10 years ago. It's enough. Now I realized I started to calm my nerve. Now that I am happy I no longer to smoke. It's enough, tomorrow I am done.
Dear God please give me the patience to STOP smoking. God please remind me when I have a craving that it will pass but Happiness is for her. God remind me it's for my health, that smoking doesn't bring me calm but you do. God remind me that my father was able to stop smoking after 50 years. He's done it I can too. God please remind me to sing my song. "When I get older, I will get stronger and never go back" and also my mantra "I can let go".
God I pray in your name, your son Jesus and the holy spirit.
Amen.
Have a wonderful day. I love you.
Tomorrow my mother is arriving. I am so excited. I am very happy that she's coming. She will be able to see herself how my health as turn around. I know that they were worried. My sister told me when I started not to answer their call and didn't call as often. They were worried living fifteen hours away, it's hard to see a loved one going deeper in depression. I am so sorry for that. Now I call more often, I can keep an conversation. My mouth is so dried from talking and laughing.
Tomorrow, I am quitting smoking. With mom here it will be easy and I determine to stop. I never liked smoking. I started about 10 years ago. It's enough. Now I realized I started to calm my nerve. Now that I am happy I no longer to smoke. It's enough, tomorrow I am done.
Dear God please give me the patience to STOP smoking. God please remind me when I have a craving that it will pass but Happiness is for her. God remind me it's for my health, that smoking doesn't bring me calm but you do. God remind me that my father was able to stop smoking after 50 years. He's done it I can too. God please remind me to sing my song. "When I get older, I will get stronger and never go back" and also my mantra "I can let go".
God I pray in your name, your son Jesus and the holy spirit.
Amen.
Have a wonderful day. I love you.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Sunday April 4 2010
Hello
I am Writing from my subconscious mind. This is to help me to think of positive thoughts in my subconscious mind. You can not have a positive and a negative though at the same time. I am writing to myself.
I need to practice more to stop my mind to wonder to event that has yet happened. I need to shake it off. Remember Happy.
I am feeling better, not just better but great. I am scared that it will not last. I need; to remember how it is to be happy. Depression: It's a dark room with a black cloud over over you. You are living, but you know it's dark but you don't know how to get out of the room. You hope to see the light. Then one day, for me a year and half, I saw the light. Sometimes I would see a glimpse.
March 13Th, I heard from God. On this day I was doubting God. I had read lots of book and the bible. I've going to Church. I was very angry and doubtful. That night I went to bed and started to read a novel. On the bottom of the first page I read. I heard from God. The first sentence it was how the character had sparks and contentment in her eyes. I thought "This is what a want". The second sentence it said on how her life from the fast paste of London life seem far away. That was it God words.
I've strives so much to achieved at work, that I lost my self. I work for London Life and I've been unable to work due depression and anxiety. I was trying to fill a void. I now realized the reason for my depression, which had nothing to due with work. When I started to be unable to be functional being dysfunctional. I crash, big time.
Since the day I heard from God. His word was so comforting, I then realize what He was saying. I am able to live a joyful and peace life with out being the best at work. I need to let go of the past, and move towards to the future.
God is great.
Today on Easter day. I am grateful that I've heard from God and now I know what Happy is and fells like. I love being Happy for no reason.
I love you.
I am Writing from my subconscious mind. This is to help me to think of positive thoughts in my subconscious mind. You can not have a positive and a negative though at the same time. I am writing to myself.
I need to practice more to stop my mind to wonder to event that has yet happened. I need to shake it off. Remember Happy.
I am feeling better, not just better but great. I am scared that it will not last. I need; to remember how it is to be happy. Depression: It's a dark room with a black cloud over over you. You are living, but you know it's dark but you don't know how to get out of the room. You hope to see the light. Then one day, for me a year and half, I saw the light. Sometimes I would see a glimpse.
March 13Th, I heard from God. On this day I was doubting God. I had read lots of book and the bible. I've going to Church. I was very angry and doubtful. That night I went to bed and started to read a novel. On the bottom of the first page I read. I heard from God. The first sentence it was how the character had sparks and contentment in her eyes. I thought "This is what a want". The second sentence it said on how her life from the fast paste of London life seem far away. That was it God words.
I've strives so much to achieved at work, that I lost my self. I work for London Life and I've been unable to work due depression and anxiety. I was trying to fill a void. I now realized the reason for my depression, which had nothing to due with work. When I started to be unable to be functional being dysfunctional. I crash, big time.
Since the day I heard from God. His word was so comforting, I then realize what He was saying. I am able to live a joyful and peace life with out being the best at work. I need to let go of the past, and move towards to the future.
God is great.
Today on Easter day. I am grateful that I've heard from God and now I know what Happy is and fells like. I love being Happy for no reason.
I love you.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Good Morning
Today I am concentrate on relaxing. I am struggling on relaxing. I know this will help me to quite my mind. I am struggling to keep my mind relax. My minds
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Today thoughts
today I went to a new psychologist specialized in cognitive behaviour. I like him, I actually like the sound of his deep voice. It's comforting. In the 5o minutes I explained how I came to suffer from depression. In the last couple week my weeks are more clearer. I understand everything that happened. I feel so bless that I went through this. I love being Happy. My future is brighter but the most important thisng I love the present moment. We spoke about my return to work. I'm ready but he suggested it's good I am returning to work but not to put a specific date. I don't want to do the same thing as last year. I will listen to him. I will work with him to help with my fears to return to work. I definitely have fears, for example what if it doesn't last, what if i have a panic attack, what if I don't recognize the black cloud and I hit a depression. How will I deal with work stress. When I return to work I will definitely take it easy. If they only want me to do data entry and monotone work, that's what I will do. I don't need to do everything. I have lot of times to be fully rolled out. I'm tired. It"s moment like this I get nervous. I need to remind myself that I have been doing a lot mentally and it's natural to be tired. My brains is working much faster. What I like is I am able to let go. I still lots of Patrice. When I have negative though or negative internal conversation. I more aware and stop my self. I let it go. Letting go is not easy. It's hard work. I am happy that I am to work at it.
Well that's it for now.
Well that's it for now.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
My first post.
My friend suggested that I try to blog. He said he loves it to get his toughs clears. So this is my blog.
It's weird but I guess I just need to treat it as a journal. Thank God I am very opened person. It's quicker then writing. Do I really want everybody to know my thoughts. I guess I can invite my close friends. Right now I'm thinking about what others will think. Well the truth is who cares. Life is too short and precious to worry about things like this.
I will give it a try. And it has a spell check. Cool.
I'm starting a new fantastic season in my life. It's quite easy HAPPINESS. I love it. I will share a lot more but that's it for now.
sign off
It's weird but I guess I just need to treat it as a journal. Thank God I am very opened person. It's quicker then writing. Do I really want everybody to know my thoughts. I guess I can invite my close friends. Right now I'm thinking about what others will think. Well the truth is who cares. Life is too short and precious to worry about things like this.
I will give it a try. And it has a spell check. Cool.
I'm starting a new fantastic season in my life. It's quite easy HAPPINESS. I love it. I will share a lot more but that's it for now.
sign off
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